Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.