Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy