If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform