i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You Might Also Like
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly