Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Sell your car
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?