[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
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Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.