Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
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Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…