i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
wtf is an acronym
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.