My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*