A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Cndnsd Mlk
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.