The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac