Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack