My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.