Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
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ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I gave up going to work for lent.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.