1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
You Might Also Like
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words