*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin