I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
spicy snake
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions