Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
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10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too