Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Weirdly Wednesday.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!