Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Oh we’ve met.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
This guy’s not having it 😆
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant