FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Breaking news:
Which wines pair best with gloating?