me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
What’s a Messi?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.