Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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Oh my God.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
@funTweeters
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
don’t we all
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?