*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps