Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
#oldknees
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone