I hope your spoon slides into your soup
You Might Also Like
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.