If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.