Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
sigh
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.