When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!