*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
That de-escalated quickly
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I feel this so hard
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.