Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My whole life was a lie.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.