[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
U talkin 2 me?
Ferrari squats
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.