The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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Beware…..
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral