The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The first one, obviously
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
🙁
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.