I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.