“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
definitely did not do anything wrong
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.