Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
You can’t rush stupid.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.