It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I would move hell over six inches for you