Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins