Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
You are not alone 💚
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.