Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM