I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!