Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I think about this a lot
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*