[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.