In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
You Might Also Like
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
They’re on their honeymoon
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?