Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Google Pay be like:
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
is this how new cars are made??
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.