Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Simple
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday