LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*