GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Good boy 😂😂
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Do not go gentle into that good night,