I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
How to wake up a Beagle
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment